Thursday, November 25, 2010

Tips for Turning Your Poverty into Social Concern-Trolling

So everyone knows that Black Friday is a crass concept that reflects our culture's obscenely self-indulgent attitude toward the concept of need versus want. Some folks choose to opt out by announcing that they will Buy Nothing that day; I, however, can Afford Nothing, so I figure I might as well soak up some of the second-hand moral righteousness so that I don't spend the whole day googling "lotto strategies for beginners" (as opposed to my usual daily google, "gross stuff that people have growing on them").

Here, then, are some tips for transforming regular old broke-ass-ness into Social Awareness Points:

1. When someone in your family mentions the TV they're going to buy, say "Oh, wow, I don't even watch TV, is fifty inches a lot?"

2. Watch news reports about people camping outside Walmart and remark on how pathetic and materialistic those people must be while secretly wishing you had a cool tent like that lady in the Quacker Factory outfit.

3. Start an obnoxiously-titled blog; update infrequently (the implication being that you're too busy Working For Change to post dumb lists and so on).

4. If people ask you whether you're going to hit the sales to get your kids' holiday presents, allow your expression to darken and talk about labor practices in China, and how your kids primarily receive second-hand gifts to avoid contributing to this unethical system. Then be sure to buy a used toy made in China rather than a fair trade one because DUDE THAT FAIR TRADE SHIT IS EXPENSIVE, GAHD!

5. Post links on your Facebook to MAP International, Kiva, or Food for the Poor, and passive aggressively suggest that people who spend their money on Hannah Montana junk might be kinda ruining the world.

Those are for starters. I'm sure you have more ideas of your own, so use 'em!

(By the way, the above listed charities actually are pretty important and do a lot of good, so if you have any extra cash, you might consider throwing some their way. This concludes the meta-smugness portion of this post.)

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